Tube Travel

You know those days when you arrive at the station in rush hour, and after a 20min train journey of being squashed like a sardine (thanks FGW)  the last thing you wanted was the same occurrence on the tube… this comes to mind…..My new business plan “a tube chauffeur”….

…maybe not!

My tube journey experiences vary, I could join the rest of the population and stand with a stern look on my face that says “talk to me before my 3^rd cup of coffee and I cannot be responsible for my actions”. However, I opt for (most days) the “I’m away with the fairies at the moment, but for you to call back…..”

One thing that really gets my goat on the tube, is that in the smallest of spaces ( in the height of summer) people still make the decision when they wake up in the morning to not wear deodorant! I am some day’s physically in pain by the humming stench that people expel!

The drunk Scotsman

Do not let the title fool you, he was not Scottish, I think I am however 100% correct that he was drunk!

You are standing (again) opposite a girl who just pushed past you to get on to a surprisingly empty carriage lobby (you know to get that space by the end of a row of seats, where you can lean against the glass and not touch any poles avoiding any germs or be accused of falling on anyone as you are well braced against the door and wall of glass), earphones in ears, happily nodding along to …..a Christmas song (in April)…..When the Scotsman and a friend approach your carriage lobby.

The train pulls off, and despite having a firm grip on the pole he falls onto you, hand at chest level to brace himself……(forget about Tubecrush, I had my 156^th boobcrush)  I laugh it off and ironically  revert to  “you scumbag, you maggot, you cheap, lousy… “ before he then pipes up with what he thinks is an overly hilarious comment….”Excuse me, does this train go to Scotland?” (You see the reference now!) I reply politely, but with a hint of Sarcasm “Yes - it goes all the way” expecting not to hear another word….

The train pulls off again and surprise surprise I am yet again engulfed by yet another accidental fall followed up with “I could have kissed you then!”  I decide at this point to pretend I did not hear, turning to the girl who stole my space (yes stole) where we share an awkward giggle. Thank god I can get off at the next stop!  Does he not know he is in that crap age group (40-odd) where he is too young to marry for money, and too old to marry for the.. Sex Drive.

Belly Bucket

Short and sweet – fat man gets on an already crowded train, squashes his tub of lard into my side and armpit….. you shuffle over slightly to allow for a bit of distance between you, he takes that to be “thanks, I’ll shuffle over as well.”  Attempt two: repeat process – shuffle… “free of belly bucket” ….doh – he shuffles again too, I start to think he can see this annoyed look on my face and is deliberately winding me up! He finally gets the message when I stick my elbow out to the side, and it somehow gets lost in his stomach, it must have caused him a slight itch, as he swiftly turned around.

Monday Morning Wind-up

Anyone else make the journey from Paddington to Baker Street, Baker Street to Bond Street? …. Well you will be aware of that junction when you arrive at Baker Street and make your dare devil move to cross to the other side against any which way traffic in rush hour….you will be lucky to leave with your life!

I don’t threat this journey, I do it every day (I thank the moment the netball teacher took us over the process of “dodge, Dodge! DODGE!”) Then from out of no-where I trip, it definitely was not my own foot.  Some lady (I can only assume it was a lady as there were humps in the chest region despite the face saying otherwise) manages to hook her foot between mine causing me to almost fall flat on my face, stretching out that little further in a dramatic attempt to catch my brand spanking new sun glasses! I turn around (as you do – which one of you was it…) I turn back round regaining my posture, only to then feel a swift push between the shoulder blades….I swing back round to find the same man/women glaring at me, and like verbal diarrhoea she splutters out “I said sorry, do not glare at me”, at that moment I was too shocked to say anything, for a split second I thought to myself, did that actually just happened – did someone trip me, THEN push me for not turning around and smiling adoringly at her…..

She barges past me rambling on about how I didn’t acknowledge her apology, (firstly I had ear phones in, so I apologise for not hearing her ‘muttered under breath’ apology. (She continues… bla bla bla bla….) I finally come to my senses and shout back at her “I am ever so sorry that my initial reaction was not to smile and ask you out to dinner!”

I start laughing at her ridiculous audacity to what she had just inflicted upon me, the cheek of it? The complete and utter nerve to push me for not thanking her for tripping me!?

Still to this moment I am in shock, that is not the English way!!!

The Executive Decision

MOVE ON – CHANGE IS GOOD!

After practically begging a company to give you a job despite having no experience in that industry you succeed with a little help from your friends.

You plan your leaving drinks only to move 3 floors up....

#Epicfail Your wing woman retires at 9pm!

You find the strength to go on without you wing women, and secretly you thank her for that because you are a big believer in how events all have an effect on the future, and the events that followed may not have happened if she stayed.


Because for the first time in a long while (who cares if they were slightly incapacitated – it still counts, right?) the hot guy who you have been pining over for the last 6 months travels home with you.


It is after an engaging (drunk) conversation that you realise you need to change trains. Aussiehottastic offers to wait with you on the empty platform .... and while you are waiting he takes a wide birth (which for you seems to be going in slow motion)... or maybe it is and you are both too drunk to carryout swift movements and tries to plant one on you – what is your reaction to the guy who you have been pining after for the last six months (after of course first anxiously worrying what you breath smells like)


Bet both you and him were certainly not expecting a palm to the face, not a slap, but a full on but light “spam” to the face – really? Did I actually just do that?!


Overall an attempted kiss on the central line platform is in my eyes a definite upgrade of romance to a poke on facebook!


Well done N if you had not ruined your chances prior to this of ever kissing him – you certainly made a tactful move and FUCKED it up now!


But you reassure yourself you were taking the high road knowing that if you were his gf – you would want another girl to do the same.


After a few moments of awkward laughter your train soon arrives which he waits for you to get on. You sit down smiling uncontrollably because you conjure up a deluded thought that he may like you. As your train catches up to him finding his way to the exit you see him walking with his head in his hands most certainly thinking “what am I doing?” As the train passed I got a smile and a wave goodbye.

I definitely made the wrong right decision!


First day on the new job you have to deal with added pressure of the elephant in the room, because you have created this feeling of awkwardness that probably was not even there, but neither of you mention it and you assume he was too drunk to remember as he is genuinely a lovely guy and on any normal occasion wouldn’t dare cheat on his gf.

The Blue Suit Theory

Sooo I have said it before but yet I still fail the task of updating more frequently.


I have a friend who is an amazing writer and  is quite successful at it- it got me thinking about sticking with it.

The Blue Suit Theory originates from my idea that - for the men of this world to show without the arrogant boasting that they have hit a point in their life where they feel they have "made it", but like any career/life ladder- we want oh so much more and will continue to up their goal (and the blue suit gets lighter).


You will mostly find them on the bodies of men who are of a certain age – but that is only because men of a certain age have the money to buy a blue suit.


I have built up this theory that a blue suit signifies “you have made it”


So whilst working in London I would start my quest for a man in a blue suit – which adds one more category to the already endless list of criteria. FYI – A “catch” in a blue suit – very few under the age of 30!


This piece of information led me to the conclusion owning a blue suit is defined by your age because is it later in life that you really make your money, unless you are an extremely lucky soul. A well tailored blue suit is a hard thing to come by on a budget – (also the lighter the blue the richer you are - in the process of being proven.)

Faith is restored in the blue suit defining a superficial element of SEXY!

Dresses Galore

Sooooo events of the week, I buy a dress..... Well I have brought a few dresses! But first off I’d like to make a very sarcastic thank you to DP for failing to inform your customers that nice Mad Men style dresses come with embarrassing Marilyn Monroe moments... countless actually!

The culprit:

For future reference – can only be work successfully in Space!

To understand the significance of this next buy, you will have to be privy to a little bit of present history. Having been measured a couple of years ago for probably the third time in my entire life, (one of those being the counting of 10 fingers and toes).... I always took an estimate of how tall I was – whenever I was asked, I’d reply “oh... about  5”2.”

Little did I know a helping hand on a nurses dissertation would follow a re-evaluated growth spurt of 3 inches.....

And while in some places 5”5 is still classed within the short category, I was pleased when trying this next dress on to find I – yes a short person was just that tad bit too tall. But after walking away – no sooner was I to return with the decision “well I just won’t wear heels with it” (Holiday buy no.2 Whoooo)

This one I may make a return journey for....

And well this.... if you have read the previous posts will know I am soon to e an aunty and baby fever is starting to take over a little bit. We are yet to find out the sex, but if statistics were the prime factor it is going to be a girl! But until we are sure uni-sex clothing buys only... humphhh

Quick update...

I have struggled to be bothered to continue with this... but it is always nice to share with anyone who will listen!

So a quick update – it’s now May a one month internship has turned into 9 months – but I am still happy and grateful to be here.

I found out in March that I am going to be an Aunty! It is one of those moments that you thank your lucky stars that it did not happen to you – but then if it was to happen to me over the past (insert ridiculous time frame here) then like the virgin Mary it would be by “the immaculate conception”.

The whole family; despite our initial shock and worry how this will all play out, are all extremely happy for my little brother and his girlfriend. We viewed a (what I thought) was a very funny looking baby scan, (it hit me- this was going to happen – commence cool aunty training!)

I am still continuing the fantasy relationship with golden beard (formerly aussiehottastic) where in my imaginary world he does not have (which I’m sure she is) a fabulous girlfriend, nor has he seen me at my absolute worst and laughed at me.

And the worst of all – one of my best friends has just got engaged to a girl who has decided she hates me, and is dangling a personal vendetta against me.

The potential love of my life!

Fast forwarding a little to the present day...

New Years brought about some action, but not the kind I am looking for...

Covering reception is part of the daily duties of an intern, so when this handsome looking Aussie walks into the building, I am slightly mesmerised, but the moment passes, as the realisation sets in, (I am probably not going to see this hottie again, am I?)

Sitting down he starts to fumble with his shirt, soon I noticed it was not nervous fidgeting, but nervously trying to attach his cuff links  I sit contemplating whether I offer to help, going over the notion of it sounding a little patronising. I contemplated too long, and soon he regressed back into a calm position. The moment had passed.

On return to my department, I inquisitively asked *****, does the name **** **** ring any bells, ( this was more of a tactical move on my part, making sure he was not a prominently well known person within the business, that openly admitting my initial thoughts about this guy would turn round to bite me on the bum.)

Phew she did not know who he was – so a discussion soon arose, about this mysterious guy and who he was, and how I think he is beautiful, in all sense of the word...only a masculine beauty.

Two days later, in walks ******* with Mr. Aussiehottastic – great he is a new employee!!

Where I intend it to start...

I am now at a stage of a person’s life, where the education system has either succeeded or failed me. A cross roads where a decision of what to do for the rest of your life haunts every move you make. I know I am destined for success, I just need to figure out how to get it.

You attend countless interviews, turned down by some, failed by recruitment agencies who forget to tell you that a job offer has been made; and after no response the role is handed over to the next candidate. After a while, you start to consider what life would be like working in retail day in day out, till you hit retirement. I swore to myself this would not be the case – so starting a new era – I went back to the gym, started a voluntary placement at the local radio station, and spent my days searching for the right job.

Then it came – 6 months after leaving university I applied for an internship with a high profile businessman. I walked into the interview confident, passionate, and dedicated, “I was going to get this placement”. After showing them some of my work, I was asked to submit a piece of writing; giving them a feel for my written style. (This was a Thursday) (Email) “Can you start Monday?”

First thoughts of a good impression when working in London do not start with the answer “well could I possible start Tuesday, as there is a tube strike Monday?”

After receiving no answer – I quickly identified the best route to arrive on time, or nearest to. Worried that on my first day I would be turning up late was not something I wanted to do. Luckily, it was all fine and I would be starting a month’s agreed internship in a Mayfair business.